I often lay awake at night and wonder what could have been different.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I’ve found myself in a predicament where I constantly seek for improvement, but find the strength and vitality to do so, stripped away from my very core. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Don’t get me wrong, I’m able to function at a high level. I take care of myself. All the basic functions, going to work, making a living, and in some regards, having a fairly prosperous social life. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Yet, in the end. My mind races at all the possibilities. I’ve made decisions in my life that have defined and shaped the road that I now walk. There are both substantial regrets, and adamant decisions that I stand by. Yet, some of the foundational pillars that my current house stands on, feel the weariness of time creeping in. Water seeping into the cracks, slowly picking up and washing away small bits. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I take time to repair the most important of these pillars, but there is one that I feel no matter how hard I try, only delays the inevitable. It is this pillar that gnaws at the edge of my self, my heart constantly numb from the whiplash. From moments where I am at the top of the highest peak, to feeling like I’m barely able to keep my airway clear of the water that seeks to swallow me whole. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I run around in circles, all within my own mind. Two halves of my whole fighting against each other. Ultimately they both want the same end goal, yet neither can achieve it without the other. Yet, even with these advisors in either ear, filling my brain. My heart feels like it is being compressed to the point of breaking. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I try to make others laugh, often at my own expense. I try to put them before myself, because I truly believe that everyone should be loved at their core for who they are, and not what they can provide. I try to be a beacon of stability and a rock for those around me. A safe space that is there when they need it. A shoulder for them to rest their head. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I know what it is like to not have these things. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Yet there is little left for me. Every piece that is taken, very few return in kind. The one I give the most too. Leaves me feeling left behind. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
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I often lay awake at night and wonder what could have been different. I’ve found myself in a predicament where I constantly seek for improvement, but find the strength and vitality to do so, stripped away from my very core. Don’t get me wrong, I’m able to function at a high level. I take care […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"iawp_total_views":1,"footnotes":""},"categories":[28],"tags":[31,29,30],"class_list":["post-414","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-depth","tag-emotion","tag-expression","tag-impromptu"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/axwen.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/414","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/axwen.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/axwen.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/axwen.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/axwen.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=414"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/axwen.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/414\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":416,"href":"https:\/\/axwen.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/414\/revisions\/416"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/axwen.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=414"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/axwen.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=414"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/axwen.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=414"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}